Sunday, May 18, 2008

On the Unintentional Hiatus

To begin things truthfully, I'll admit that most days I forget all about this blog. I'm not sure what pulled me back here today, but I can't believe that the two-week frenzy of writing represented below was way back in January. It seems like yesterday, and the realization that so much time has actually passed stopped me in my tracks.

A lot has happened since my last post here. Unfortunately, some of the larger events have not been good. I feel like I'm probably at the lowest point I've ever been in my life. But I also feel like maybe it isn't very low, after all. And I'm thankful for that. A lot of people see me as overly sarcastic, judgmental, and maybe a little too pragmatic and realistic. A pessimist more than an optimist, someone that bashes a lot of idealism with the heavy hammer of skepticism. And maybe that does describe much of who I am. But one thing that I've always been, despite the ups and downs of my life thus far, is largely happy and fairly even-tempered. I have my meltdowns on occasion, but for the most part, there's just too many interesting things to do and see and hear and experience to be anything be glad that we have what time we do here on this planet. And this is it. Our life is all the time we have, and I think somewhere, maybe more subconsciously than anything else, my philosophy is to love it, no matter what's thrown at me.

It's strange, because several years back I sort of ran into this philosophy in a more fleshed-out form, and it actually took me a while to recognize that it was very congruent with a mindset that I had never really noticed I possessed. The philosophy is Nietzsche's amor fati, a "love of fate" of sorts, the feeling that no matter what happens in your life, you wouldn't change it. That you would be content to live that life over and over again if given the opportunity. It seems a near impossible task. And I'm sure that a lot of people can never bring themselves to feel that way.

A lot of messed up things have happened in my life (or so it seems to me, but I'm aware its not nearly as storied as many other people's), but when I think about all those events, I wouldn't change any part of how things went. A lot of things that seemed terrible at the time actually set me up for some really great things in my life, things I can't imagine ever having gone without. And things I'm afraid I might be losing at this very moment have likely changed me in ways that will have an important bearing on how I live the rest of my life.

And today, yes, I feel pretty awful. But somehow I still feel happy, too. I have so many things to get better at, so many events ahead of me, so many memories that are waiting patiently to be made and so many already tucked away that I never want to lose.

So here's to maybe the end of this writing hiatus. I won't promise anything, but right now, I need things to focus my mind.

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